Things seem to continue to spiral down. I have no life and actually don't want to do anything. I want things that I don't think I'm going to get. I want love, to be love and to love someone like things were with Zig. Everything is a struggle. I move 3 steps forward and take 2 steps backward. I'm so tired. I want my life back.I just don't know what to do any more.

Time flies until I want to. Then it just drags. I've decided it is time for me to sell the house and buy a moble home by myself and then hopefully Alan and I could move closer together with out the aggrevasion of houseguest. Now things seem to be moving very slowly. Of course there is lots of things I need to do to the house and it looks like I'm the one who will have to do it.

It has been 2yrs since my last post and my life has totally changed. After becoming ill In June 2006 Zig was diagnose with cancer. After 4 months of radiation and chemo Zig died. I was crushed, I did not ever believe he would leave me. Alan was there for me and I thought maybe we could have a future but he has to much to deal with and after being together for a year and a half he decided to end it and I was again crushed and left alone. I now have nothing. I am on my own with no one to share my life with. My heart and soul are empty.

Well It's been along time since I've done anything here so I'll try and give an overall review. My life sucks still...and being 50 just makes it worst. Work has been even more intense with no let up in sight. The kids are still struggling and coming to me to subsidize them and I give in. I've gone through over $25000.00 in less then 2 years and have very little to show for it. Most went to keep my kids stable., a never ending cycle I can't break. I still haven't seen Caitlyn since Shawna took her away but I have ventured to sending her stuff to let her know that I know where she lives. I do better at keeping my other journal up (lj). Oh! Happy Easter

Well it's done I am officially a half of century OMG. My bones ache and my eyesite is going and I feel old. My daughter-in-law gave me a small party with my sons and their prospective other halves and all the kids which transpires to My oldest son's 2, my middle son's girlfriend's 2, my youngest son's 1 and the girlfriend's 1 so that makes 6 kids running around. Now for anyone who doesn't know... my youngest son is raising his 2 yearold son and in this relationship that is on again off again every 3 or 4 days ... it drives me crazy cause they'll be together than have a big blow up fight ... this has been going on for over a year. My middle son has been in his relationship on again off again for over 9 years, he has raised her kids since the oldest girl was born but they never seem to stay together and will split up for awhile then get back togther then split up again... another mind boggling situation, so I never know if I have more people to deal with or not and if these relationships are in good or bad time. I have also been thinking a lot about my "step" daughter and her 2 girls. I miss my oldest grand-daughter terribly and think of her often I hardly know the youngest girl.  What I know is very little. I know she is living with the father of the youngest girl (they're "roommates" now) but is seeing some other guy itimately, she isn't working, is going to school and goes out a lot (which makes me wonder where are the girls?) she still has manic episodes. I don't know about the oldest girl and how she goes to school with the joint custody and how often the girls and mom spend time together which I hear is not much. I really miss them and wish I would be forgiven for what ever evil deed I did that caused this rift. I've always known where she lives and have often driven by. Many people have told me I should just go up and see her and try to talk things out but she is soooo stubborn I don't think that would go over well. I sent her birthday gift, I don't know if she got it but I haven't got anything back on it either. I'm going to try and send her and the girls christmas gifts and see how that goes over. I'm not going to give up! Well can't think of anything else to moan about so I'll sign off for now, hope all is well with everyone.

Haven't posted here for awhile guess I'll give some update. Went to the  Moeeo Bay for Thanksgiving which was alright. Chris and Steph were there and so was Lori and Robert. The cooked a dinner so I at least had my holiday dinner and it was pretty good. My moods have been up and down have been trying to get rid of the blahs. Steve and Trish haven't been bothering me to much so I haven'thad to go referee there but I'm not sure of whats happening there or if Steve is being all up and up with me. Trying to get into the holiday spirit but thats not working. Sent Shawna a birthday greeting to see how she reacts to  my knowing where she lives. Will see in a couple of days how that goes over.  I do miss the girls very much and wish I could even just see them a little bit.  I just don't know how to do it though. I think I just might go drive by her place I know she probably isn't there but it's fun to go by.

It's Monday and I'm back from my 3 day "vacation". Work was piled up and we're getting ready for the end of the month reports, plus the kids are coming in early all week because of parent conference week at school.  Now I'm getting hungry so I guess I'll go rummage through the fridge.

My youngest son became sick and had to go to the hospital. He was there for 3 days. He is home now but is too ill to take care of  his 2yr old son. this task has landed on me. I had taken 3 days off for my own but am now having to take care of my son and grandson so i am feeling very put upon and then guilty for feeling this way. I am a terrible mother!

O.K. I'm not very consistant but what can I say. Between work schedule and family sometimes I nave very little time for computer. I try and set aside time but somebody always ends up wanting me to do something for them, so writing suffers. So whats been going on lately, Steven is again in major drama with "trish", what else, I surely wish this woman would get out of my life but I just don't see it. Michael is in a bit of a delima with Darla. Work is becoming a big headache with staff wanting me to do things their way which may not agree with the supervisors of whom I have to answer to. My supervisors are wanting me to take on a whole lot of responsibilities to help them through their crises. (which actually gets me in good with them) but this requires the rest of the staff to carry more of a load at the site which they don't want to do. Zig spends more time doing little projects, making big messes, and not finishing anything and if I say anything then I'm nagging but I'm doing all the work at home as well as every where else. Shawna is still not talking to us I'll probably email her today just to bug her, I don't even know if she reads them but I try, maybe sometime she'll come around.

Today is a Monday. I hate Mondays. I had a bad weekend. My grandson is picking up his fathers bad habits. I want to get my house cleaned and it doesn't happen. I start but then some one interfers with my plans. I also live with a slob who doesn't do much to help me.

This morning I get a call from my youngest son, he lost another cell phone. This makes 6, I think. So I have to suspend his service and of course he needs to use my phone, so I end up on the bad end of this deal.